Metropolis 2.0
Studio Pinhead #1: How’s that remake going? The one with the evil midgets or creepy little kids or whatever?
Development Weasel: The Brood? Great, great. We’ve got the rights and were just working on a script now.
Studio Pinhead #2: Fine, fine, but we’re going to have to change that title, I don’t even know what a ‘brood’ is.
Development Weasel: It sort of has dual meanings. It…
Studio Pinhead #2: Right, whatever. What else are we working on?
Development Weasel: Robots are big right now, how about we remake Metropolis?
Studio Pinhead #1: (Pause) Never head of it.
Development Weasel: You know, the classic sci-fi film from Fritz Lang about the future where the oppressed poor rise up against the upper class…
Studio Pinhead #1 & #2: (Silence)
Development Weasel: And there’s a robot.
Studio Pinhead #1. (snapping fingers) Wait. Robots. Didn’t that Bay kid already do that one? Metropolis Prime in the Land of the Autocons or whatever? That thing was huge! They had these cars and they turned into robots! (Turning to Studio Pinhead #2) That was awesome. Why didn’t we get to that one first?
Development Weasel: No, that was Transformers. This is the German silent film from 1927. It’s influenced every science fiction movie ever made.
Studio Pinhead #2: Wait. Did you say silent? What does that mean? There is no talking? This isn’t some kinda art film is it? We don’t do art films here.
Studio Pinhead #1: Who would we cast it with? Mimes? People don’t like mimes. There are studies…
Development Weasel: No, that’s just how they made movies back then.
Studio Pinhead #1: Jesus! No wonder all the people in those old pictures look so serious and bored. Who wants to sit in the dark watching a bunch of people mince around on a movie screen for two hours with no talking?
Development Weasel: We don’t have to worry about that. There will be plenty of talking in this one.
Studio Pinhead #2: But not too much talking I hope. We don’t want some kinda fruity sci-fi with a lot of jawing about the meaning of life and this and that.
Studio Pinhead #1: Right, we want talking monkeys with…
Development Weasel: …laser rifles and jet packs. Yes. I mean, no. There are no monkeys. This one has a robot.
Studio Pinhead #1: Right. A robot. Does it turn into a car?
Development Weasel: Not exactly. It looks just like a woman.
Studio Pinhead #2: Does she turn into anything? A gun? A boat? Anything?
Development Weasel: No she’s just a girl.
Studio Pinhead #1: Hmmm. A broad. Do 13-year-old boys want to see girl robots?
Studio Pinhead #2: They would if she was hot! We could get Jolie or Alba or Biel. She could be like this crazy sex robot running around in her panties all the time and…
Studio Pinhead #1: I like it, I like it! But wait. Alba’s pregnant.
Studio Pinhead #2: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Studio Pinhead #1: Besides, who wants to see a broad naked if she’s metal and wires? That’s not sexy. That’s creepy. Like when Yul Brynner’s face fell off in that crazy robot Western. I don’t want to see a sex scene and the girl goes all Yul Brynner on the guy she’s doing it with. That’s not right.
Development Weasel: The robot girl looks like a real girl. She looks like the lover of the young man who is leading the workers to revolution.
Studio Pinhead #2: A threesome! With an identical twin robot! Awesome. I like it. Let’s do it. That reminds me, did I tell you guys about that time when me and Bert Convy drove out to Vegas…
Read Variety’s December 9 report on the plans to remake Metropolis.
Filed under: Development, Humor, News
Tags: Metropolis
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:-)
Nice. Not only do people dislike mimes, some are actually afraid of them.
A Jolie-bot makes perfect sense. And just imagine how much cooler the city will be in C-G-I with a C-G-I-flood sequence at the end and a CGI robot that looks just like Angelina Jolie™ but better because it’s not really Angelina Jolie™…IT’S C-G-I, KIDS!!
Wow, and they can make it PG-13 and get respected English actors to do the voices and get Zemeckis to direct and it can be all in CGI!!!! And we’ll add more action and there can be a whole army of Angelina Jolie™-bots that will fight an army of clones with guns, tanks, planes, and we’ll skip the flood…it will be a tidal wave caused by global warming!! We can get Al Gore™ to do a voice-over to open and close the movie.
THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT! And they can do a video game on all the consoles the kids love, which will be easy because the movie will be in C-G-I! And we can show it in 3-D on IMAX screens!
And it will action figures, and a tie-in to Happy Meals. We can get Samsung® to sponsor it and use future-istic looking Samsung® L-C-Ds in the movie and a future-istic Microsoft® Vista™ operating system computer logo can be branded on the Angelina Jolie™-bot’s ass.
Wow. So when will they remake Citizen Kane in C-G-I in 3-D IMAX?
Well they must be hiding something, right? They’re like clowns…only worse.
You can see where this is headed Joel™.
It’s not pretty, but I have to admit. If they took it seriously and don’t do all the things we fear, there is some sense to this remake.
I’m going to assume it’ll be more in line with your vision until they prove otherwise, however.
I just keep thinking of iRobotron™ with Will “Oh HELLL no” Smith and the recent BEOWULF! adaptation and think that no matter what I cynically expect of them, they will turn the idiocy volume to 11 in ways I couldn’t conceive of.
To be fair, I saw Metropolis when it was remastered and re-released a few years back on the big screen and the original hasn’t aged well. It’s historically relevant but it doesn’t play well to modern sensibilities. I recognize it’s a silent from a completely different period in film history, but still. I’m not saying they should remake it, I’m just saying that I don’t think most people would find the original to be easily watchable today. So in that sense, a re-imagining might make some sense…if Hollywood wasn’t run mostly by idiots.
The original is pretty much irrelevant to a modern audience so in that sense, remaking it isn’t a horrible idea.
But yeah, it’s going to take a light touch. The problem is, being sci-fi it will probably have to be expensive which means it will have to appeal to a mass audience which just means… Well, you’ve already amusingly outlined exactly what that means. “Helll naww” indeed.
This idea is ridiculous to the point of being inoffensive. Who’s this for? People who know the film will resent it being remade, people who don’t know it would just as easily go see it if were called something else. Hollywood just wants to REMAKE. REMAKE. REMAKE. Regardless of whatever it is.
They’re happy to swipe the themes and plot and they might as well call Metropolis because it still rings a familiarity bell to people who’ve never seen it. Name recognition! Marketing weasels love that shit.
This is the problem with having mindless executives making these creative choices. They ass-u-me name recognition and “updating” yesterday’s hits with today’s flash-in-the-pan actors and C-G-I equals box office GOLD! A lot of the time it doesn’t but with overseas BO and the potential to run it into the ground with cable rights, any remake that doesn’t star Nicole Kidman appears to do quite well.
At least they haven’t re-made “M” yet. Or have they and I missed it?
A masterpiece. They better not touch it.
Alison, I’m not sure if it counts, but didn’t Joel Silver claim Cradle to the Grave to be a remake of M? My memory is vague so I could certainly be wrong.
M, starring Brad Pitt and directed by Tony Scott, coming to theaters Summer 2009.
I kid. I hope.
M was remade in 1951 by Joseph Losey.
Wow Joel. I could totally imagine an overdirected Tony Scott Man on Fire kind of remake of M happening with a major star and it getting the greenlight. Well done, your scenario takes the appalling but could happen cake.
Seriously guys, keep it down. The studios have ears.
Studio Pinhead: Who is this clown?
Yes Man: Yes he is a clown. His name is Kennedy, sir. A relatively new movie blogger.
Studio Pinhead: He blogs about new movies?
Yes Man: Yes, and sometimes old ones. But I didn’t make myself clear, sir. I meant to say that he’s not been blogging on movies for long.
Studio Pinhead: You’re confusing me. Why do you have to make everything so complicated?
Yes man: Yes, sorry sir. Despite his completely unrealistic portrayal of men like yourself sir, he’s been giving the studio’s films positive reviews.
Studio Pinhead: Kennedy ay, I like the cut of his jib. Put him on the payroll.
Heh heh…I miss the days when people wore hats and said things like “I like the cut of his jib”
Ok, I never actually lived in those days, but one imagines…
‘jibs on the payroll’/ the next michael moore doc ????
…and joel your posts were beyond beyond amazing. :)
I actually tired myself out posting on this subject, took a nap, because when it comes down to it I’m just a crotchedy old man who likes to complain about the kids today and their new-fangled toys.
Bah. Oh, and Merry Christmas.
(All the sudden I’m thinking of Jack Nicholson from the Departed: “Enjoy the clams, c8cksuckers.” I’m not sure why but it seems appropriate.)
ok,or you could think of jack nicholson from batman or the shining or…or…he he’s about the same in everything anyway. ha ha.. ;)
and a happy evrything to you sir !!!! :)
What would be awesome - although it won’t happen - is if Coppola could be brought into this to integrate some of his abandoned Megalopolis ideas into the screenplay.
But I don’t really expect a tentpole Hollywood movie to be made about class warfare anytime soon.
Keep dreaming Jeff because that would be awesome. A $300 million, state-of-the-art science fiction epic with an actuall message….