Studio Pinheads: Feeling Blue
Studio Pinhead #2: Don’t you ever get tired of doing remakes and sequels all the time?
Studio Pinhead #1: What are you crazy? It’s all about name recognition. We save a fortune on public awareness.
Development Weasel: That’s right. Half of our sales job is already done before the scripts are even written.
Studio Pinhead #2: What about personal enrichment? What about creative fulfillment?
Studio Pinhead #1: Enrichment? Fulfillment? I’m plenty rich and all that needs filling are the hookers I buy with the money that rolls in from cranking out sequels and remakes. (High fives Development Weasel)
Studio Pinhead #2: But don’t you ever wonder if there’s more to life?
Studio Pinhead #1: Besides money and hookers?
Studio Pinhead #2: Yeah.
Studio Pinhead #1: Sure. Booze and pills.
Studio Pinhead #2: Anything else?
Development Weasel: Maybe a good dump in the morning?
Studio Pinhead #2: (Sighs) I guess you’re right. I just thought it would be fun to do something different.
Studio Pinhead #1: Like what?
Studio Pinhead #2: (quiet for a minute) I don’ t know. I just thought…
Studio Pinhead #1: You see? New ideas aren’t so easy to come by.
Development Weasel: I think I know what you mean. What if we make a movie out of a property that already exists but isn’t a movie already?
Studio Pinhead #1: (letting the idea sink in) An original un-original idea! You, sir, are a mad genius! What kind of a property? Like a TV commercial?
Studio Pinhead #2: Yeah! How about that funny talking lizard from those insurance commercials? He’s got that crazy English accent. Accents kill. “Allo guv’nor. Would you like to try one o’ me meat pies?”
Studio Pinhead #1: That’s not an English accent. That’s a retarded accent.
Development Weasel: Also, don’t those creepy lizards lick their own eyeballs?
Studio Pinhead #1: Eyeballs? That’s nothing. I could tell you stories about some of the hookers I know. Believe me.
Studio Pinhead #2: OK, what about that cute fabric softener bear? Mr. Snuggles?
Studio Pinhead #1: That sounds like a horror movie…but like, waddyacallit…ironic.
Studio Pinhead #2: Yeah! (in horror movie trailer voice) “Who’s hiding in the clothes hamper? It’s Mr. Snuggles.” And he springs out and cuts your face off with a knife! That would be awesome. Like Chucky, except he’s a cute, fuzzy bear. With a knife.
Studio Pinhead #1: Yes, yes! In the daytime he’s all cute and cuddly and whatnot, but at night - it’s bloody fangs and a butcher knife!
Studio Pinhead #2: Exactly! And little Timmy’s all “No mom, I don’t want to sleep with Mr. Snuggles!” and mom’s all “Don’t be silly Timmy! It’s just a harmless little bear!” and in the morning mom goes to open the dryer - and Timmy’s bloody head falls out!
Studio Pinhead #1: Zing!
Development Weasel: Ok, for starters, it’s not called Mr. Snuggles. It’s just the Snuggle Bear. Second, international audiences aren’t going to recognize either the Geico lizard or the Snuggle Bear. We’d be kissing half of our box office gross goodbye. Besides, ABC already tried to make a sitcom out of the Geico cavemen and it stiffed.
Studio Pinhead #1: The kid has a point there. Commercials aren’t going to cut it. Nix the lizard and the bear. What we need is a familiar property that’s recognized and beloved the world over.
Studio Pinhead #2: I know! How about Alvin and the Chipmunks?
Development Weasel: It’s been done.
Studio Pinhead #2: Damnit!
Studio Pinhead #1: No, I’ve got it. What about those fruity little blue guys that started out in Europe and they had all those toys and they made a cartoon in the ’80s? They were everywhere.
Development Weasel: The Smurfs?
Studio Pinhead #2: The Smurfs! Yeah, I loved that cartoon when I was a kid. Smurfette and Jokey and Papa Smurf and Grouchy and they’d sing and have adventures. “La la la-la la la, sing a happy song. La la la-la-la la, Smurf the whole day long.” And there was the bad guy, Gilgamesh or Gargamel or whatever.
Development Weasel: It’s perfect. It’s got nostalgia, a built in international audience, ready to order marketing tie-ins and endless toy potential. We’ll get a bunch of celebrities and use state of the art CGI. It’ll be huge.
Studio Pinhead #2: (grinning) Hey maybe we could give one of them a funny English accent. “Allo Guv’nor. I’m Limey Smurf.”
Studio Pinhead #1: Say, remind me to tell you about that cocaine orgy in the mid ’80s where the hostesses were all dressed up like Smurfettes. I got kicked out when I tried to stop a fight between Lee Majors and Tony Danza. I had a helluva time explaining to the wife afterwards where all the blue paint came from.
Studio Pinhead #2: Isn’t Tony gay?
Development Weasel: What?
Studio Pinhead #2: He was in that Elton John song: “Hold me closer, Tony Danza…”
Source: Variety
Filed under: Development, Humor, News
Tags: The Smurfs
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Tremendous.
And tremendously ridiculous that it’s real.
The Development Weasel is becoming the most level-headed in this series, isn’t he?
Seriously, who’s on the sketch drawings for the SP comic strip? Christian?
Now this was truly a great and inspired discourse! Congrats to Craig for using it on LIC.
The only thing that beats a dump in the morning is a re-make of The Smurfs (or, as I grew up knowing them, Los Pitufos).
Awesome dialogue-writing skillz there, Craig.
attn: LiC admin
re: password problem
Having trouble logging on to the Premium Content. Eager to read the hardcore ending of today’s True Hollywood Story, where the hooker in the Smurf costume takes a dump on the chest of Studio Pinhead #1. Love it when LiC works blue.
Thanks, but you can’t beat this real quote from an actual studio pinhead “We’re very excited to introduce a new generation to Papa Smurf, Smurfette and the other smurftastic Smurfs in all of their ‘three-apple-tall’ glory.”
Nothing against my Euro friends who knew the Smurfs since the ’50s, but I always hated that f’ing American cartoon…even when I was a kid.
(whispering) The password is: Cleveland Steamer.
oh wow, (nearly said ‘holy shit’) — I got the feeling you meant this was based on actual events, but the Variety source link wouldn’t open for me. Need to use the same password, I guess.
I’m already pitching a spec script on “Mr. Snuggles” to the studios. I’ll give you a finder’s fee when it takes off, Craig.
The only thing I want to know is whether or not they’re going to answer the age old question: where did Smurfette come from since she’s the only girl? There are more disturbing questions than that, but this is a family blog after all, right Craig? Right?
Gargamel created Smurfette to lure the Smurfs. She was initially “bad” but the kindness of the Smurfs rubbed off and they took her in…let the porn jokes ensue :P
PS. I’m embarrassed to know the backstory to Smurfette. OK, I was a big fan as a kid…my mom took me to see the Smurfs Movie.
heh-heh, Dorothy said “rubbed off”
And to think I tried to choose my words carefully…instead I handed the double meaning to you guys on a silver platter. Oh, the possibilities! (e.g. rubbed off, took her in…backstory?) :D
You know where this is all leading next: A marketing tie-in to Travelocity and that F’ing garden gnome they use for their damn ads. Gnomes are just itching to be brought back into the mainstream. Those thing were all kinds of da shnizzel with my Scandinavian-loving neighbors back in the day.
And of course, once you’ve got a Smurfs movie franchise running and a relaunch of the Gnomes, you have no choice but to do a remake of that Leprechaun movie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRdUKkxYzXk&feature=related
Evan, in retrospect, I might pay cash money to see Mr. Snuggles.
At least Dorothy didn’t say ‘Smurfed Off”
Joel, you’re talking about the End Times here. Someone call Kirk Cameron.
ha @ f’ing garden gnome.
he’s like the Steve Martin’s Clouseau of garden statuary.
I was gonna try to jump the shark (or nuke the fridge) and go way overboard with the most outlandish ridiculousness I could think up. Was going to propose something supremely lame, like Tamagotchi, the movie… except I Googled Tamagotchi for the correct spelling and found this: Tamagotchi, the movie.
One of the Four Horsemen will be heard under his breath saying, “Try as they will, and try as they might, who steals me gold won’t live through the night” right before it all fades to black.
ahahhahahahahha…
Could be worse. Could be Cleveland Steamer: The Movie.
Say what you want about Leprechaun, at least it wasn’t a remake…ok so they made like 3 sequels, but so what.
Could be a remake of Cleveland Steamer: The Movie.
Cleveland Steamer 2: The Chili Dog
Dirty Sanchez 2: The Quickening
Dirty Sanchez 2: Electric Boogaloo was already taken.
Don’t hurt Mr. Snuggles. That’s mean…
It may surprise y’all to know that I still have all of my stuffed animals. Teddy bears are fun to sleep with. They’ll do in a pinch when there are insufficient numbers of worthwhile adoring boys.
Cuddling is important to good health…
You know, Craig, you have no idea how many studio pinheads and development weasels may read LiC. They could number in the thousands. Shouldn’t go giving those morons any ideas.
I hear they’re easily influenced…
Hey, don’t underestimate the pleasures of a good dump in the morning ;-)
Well done again, Sir. And I second the call for a cartoon.
By the way, cool fact: in French, the Smurfs are called the Schtroumpf. And for the origins of the Smurfette (including porn jokes) no need to go any further than Donnie Darko!
Oh, and on the subjects of stuffed animals: the first thing my parents bought when they found out they were becoming parents, a big yellow bear, still sleeps in my bed every night. Well, except when he has to make way for my new boy-toy ;-)
Hedwig, you and I have SO MUCH in common…
If you ever turn up stateside again, dinner’s on me…
“Hey, don’t underestimate the pleasures of a good dump in the morning ;-)”
Hear, hear. Let’s keep it real now.
It’s a deal Miranda :-) As long, of course, as you’ll let me buy you dinner if I ever get to your neck of the woods.
“dinner’s on me…”
Like Samantha’s sushi surprise in SatC, Miranda?
Hedwig, it would be my privilege to AT LEAST buy you some drinks with dinner. If you ever end up in the Pacific Northwest, deal’s signed, sealed and delivered.
I’m roughly a thousand miles from Craig at this moment. But I fully INTEND to be an LA resident sooner rather than later.
There are a TON of people here that either want to be down there or live close by anyway. NIck wants to be down there. Christian lives in LA and he’s heading off to Portland (where joel also resides). Jeff’s an LA resident.
I could beg my beloved Dorothy to fly in from New York and perhaps she could bring k with her. sartre is in San Francisco (and soon to be an East Coaster) but I bet we could convince him. Sam (and his family) and Alison are New Yorkers. Then we have the mid-US contingent, made up of Danny and Pierre. jennybee’s in Arkansas, I do believe.
I apologize if I left out anyone I adore (and you know who you are) but I’m just thinking off the top of my head.
We should actually have an LiC reunion in LA - and I’d want you, Dorothy, jennybee and Alison there at all costs. I’m sure the boys would dig having me there. But I’d want some girls for some backup.
Craig, you and I should brainstorm about this. I’m actually kinda serious, truth be told.
But then, aren’t a bunch of us going to Cannes next year? Or at least dreaming out loud about it…?
Logistics are a bitch. But could be big fun - and there’s nothing I like better than fun with convivial company…
“We should actually have an LiC reunion in LA - and I’d want you, Dorothy, jennybee and Alison there at all costs. I’m sure the boys would dig having me there. But I’d want some girls for some backup.”
er, um, isn’t that the premise of, “And Then There Were None”? Or is it “Clue”?
Am I saddened that I’m not on the A-List?
Not at all. Guess it means I’m the murderer.
Wow, that was a lot of information compiled into one easy resource.
You’re in Los Angeles, aren’t you, Ryan? You weren’t on the list because you transcend it.
I live two weeks from everywhere, jeffmcm.
It’s a geographical oddity.
One day when I’m huge, the monkeys and I will embark on regular LiC World Tours. There will be t-shirts.
There is no A-list without you, Ryan. That’s like having The A-Team without B.A. Baracus.
Nice to see all the New Yorkers (what, what!). And M, we are still most definitely on for Cannes…be it fantasy or reality. I just need that damn press credential…but I think I can make that happen within a year ;)
ETA: Craig, please take care of Nick during the world tour! He’s too sweet & innocent and I’d hate for all those groupies to take advantage of him!
Nick = Patrick Fugit in Almost Famous
I wish groupies would take advantage of me like that.
Hell DP, I was counting on Nick hooking me up with groupies.
Mr. Adams, let’s just say I’ll deal with you later…
*eyebrows raised in perpetuity*
I reside in the space between spaces.
Alexander, dude, you’re freaking me out.
Ahaha…
Great Studio Pinhead piece, by the way! Love these things…
Glad you enjoyed it. I think I’m going to have to retire it for a little while though. Don’t want to go to the well too often.
Ugh…they’re making an I Dream of Jeanie movie too. Will it never end?