Dear Scarlett Johansson,

Back in February during the Democratic primary, you called my answering machine and you asked me to vote for your candidate Barack Obama in that beautiful, sexy voice of yours. Though I admit I saved that recording for months and I’d play it back from time to time on cold dark nights, no one can say whether Barack got my vote because of his hopeful message or because of your smokey, just-rolled-out-of-bed message. The point is: I did vote for Barack and he won the nomination.

Now, I never expected that you’d call me back and say “Hey, thanks for voting Obama. Would you like to have dinner with me?” or something like that, but I kind of thought you might at least call me to urge me to vote for your guy one more time. I waited. And I waited. The police chief called me. Some firefighter guy called me. I think even Dianne Feinstein called me, but I heard nothing at all from you. Not a word.

I guess you’re busy now with your music career and stuff, but how long does it take to pick up the phone? You know, I’m beginning to suspect that maybe you just used me. You thought you had me in the bag so you moved on to other causes and other voters. Well, the least you could’ve done was text me and tell me it was over. Is that really asking too much? Am I being clingy?

I just don’t know anymore. Maybe I’ll vote for that old dude who can’t lift his arms above his head. Anyway, you can sure forget about that mix tape I was going to send you.

Goodbye Scarlett.

Love, Craig

P.S. You can still call me if you want.

20 Responses to “Vote!”

  1. I got a call from Colin Farrell. Unfortunately, he did call back …

  2. Lol, Craig. I like how the P.S. mitigates your otherwise “Frankly, my dear…” Scarlett message. I’m sure she’ll appreciate the gesture.

  3. Craig: Maybe you shouldn’t dress like that.
    Scarlett: This is a summer evening dress. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
    Craig: You shouldn’t wear that body.

  4. Always a blogger, never a bride.

    She was too-timing your vote with a CANADIAN, no less. I don’t think Ryan Reynolds even has dual citizenship. For shame, Scarlett, for shame.

  5. sartre, you read my mind….

    Why does BODY HEAT dialogue always enter my mind at the oddest times? Maybe because it’s great…?

    But I was actually thinking more along the lines of:

    *throws back blonde hair and gives intense Matty stare*

    “I’m a married woman.”

  6. He can’t! (lift his arms above his head)

  7. That huge sigh of relief you just heard was me after they announced PA for Obama.

  8. As Obama puts the O in Ohio, I’m throwing Scarlett under the bus for Rachel Maddow.

  9. It’s over. Obama winning Pennsylvania, Ohio and New Mexico makes the rest of the evening academic.

  10. If this is academic, I’m loving academia!

    Hating Arkansas, though. Not only is my home state going for McCain, we’re passing an act that will prevent unmarried couples (be they straight, gay, or adult siblings of the children, whatever) from being able to be foster or adoptive parents. This in a state where there’s no where near enough foster homes and there are investigations underway for several recent cases where children in foster care have died from abuse or neglect. It’s just wrong and sad and completely disheartening, esp. since I worked hard to get it defeated.

    Back to the original topic, though: Craig I love that you can have interchangeable hots for both ScarJo and Rachel Maddow. You’re a little bit awesome that way.

  11. AC. Yep, it’s just a matter of how far over 270 he will go.

    JB. That law sounds horrible from both a moral and rational angle. What are people thinking? Or aren’t they?

    As for SJ and RM…methinks I might have a thing for unattainable women.

  12. …and VA falls for Obama….

  13. Bobby Jindal in 2012.

    I’m sad, but it seems that this was inevitable…

  14. I’m sad for you that you can’t see the good in this even though Obama wasn’t your guy, but you’re young and you’ll get over it.

  15. Beginning in 1861 and concluding in 1932, Democrats were a regionally-defined party in the South. Aside from Grover Cleveland and Woodrow Wilson, Republicans owned the White House, and held power in the major machines and sustained overwhelming political primacy. Today, the proverbial shoe is on the other foot. Demographics are completely against Republicans. In two or three election cycles, Texas will be a swing state.

    It’s astonishing, the alacrity with which George W. Bush, Karl Rove and congressional Republicans eradicated their own party’s future, all the while abandoning simple political principles upon which their modern political movement was at least nominally founded.

  16. If McCain hadn’t run the most cynical campaign in decades, he might have won. So glad he chose Palin. She was the nail in the coffin.

    Well, now it’s time to start rebuilding this country. My sleeves are rolled up. Let’s repair the damage and fix this mess. It’s not too late to right this ship.

  17. YES!!! YES!!!! YES!!!!!


    Craig, I could say plenty about that “unattainable woman” thing. But discretion is the better part of valour in my neck of the woods.

    Pining after lovely creatures that you can not have for whatever reason (*raises eyebrow*) keeps you awfully safe.

    But we’ll get to that another time.

    Tonight, WE WON….

  18. I loved how Obama evoked the words of the first Republican in order to begin healing the country again.


    I have to say McCain was extremely classy in his concession speech as well, which is more than I can say about some of the ball scratchers booing in the audience.

  19. I’m a big fan of safe Miranda. :)

  20. \McCain’s speech essentially said “Everything I and Palin has told you for the last 2 months was a lie.” It made me cringe to think he could stoke the fears and prejudices of his constituency so vividly and then recant himself in defeat.

    But oh well, the John McCain I would have voted for 2 years ago didn’t show up to run for President. This other guy is some sort of political Frankenstein…let him slip into history quietly and without the honor his former self may have deserved. He made his bed, now he can lie in it. I have no pity for him.

    Time to move on.

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