Studio Pinheads: Paint the Fence
Studio Pinhead #1: I don’t know how he does it, but that Will Smith craps box office gold.
Studio Pinhead #2: I thought his last movie bombed.
Development Weasel: Hancock? No, it made almost $230 million. I’ll take a bomb like that any day.
SP2: Yeah, but it cost $150 million. Factor in marketing…
SP1: Well, it made almost $400 million overseas. Those Chinamen love Will Smith.
DW: Uh…In the words of one Walter Sobchak, I don’t think ‘Chinamen’ is the preferred nomenclature. It’s offensive.
SP1: Oh it’s fine. They’re a strong people. Proud. And they love movies. Especially Will Smith movies.
SP2: What the hell? Critics hated Hancock.
SP1: That’s the point. The Fresh Prince is bulletproof. He’s like a Kevlar, gold-crapping, box office machine. And he’s got a force field around him. And lasers.
SP2: What about Wild Wild West?
SP1: Fair point, but do you think for a minute that steaming turd would’ve cleared 100 million in 1999 dollars if Will Smith wasn’t in it? Hell no! The problem with Wild Wild West was that it cost $170 million and it was awful. That’s not Smith’s fault.
SP2: You’re right. We’ve got to get into the Will Smith business.
DW: We can’t afford the Will Smith business.
SP2: Damnit. Maybe we could get Tracy Morgan or Chris Rock.
DW: Are you saying Will Smith is only popular because he’s black?
SP2: Well, no….
SP1: It’s more than that. He’s got a thing. White people and black people love him. It’s in his genes. He’s like Oprah.
DW: Or Obama.
SP2: Jesus. We should make a movie with Will Smith as Obama. We could get Oprah to play Oprah. It would be huge. We could print money. I could buy that gold plated Hummer I’ve had my eye on.
DW: Are you prepared to pay his salary?
SP1: Seriously. A movie with a $20 million star will have to cost at least 5 times that just to be big enough to convince the bean counting stooges we’d make our money back. We do crappy remakes and sequels. They’d never go for it.
SP2: Damnit. I gotta get me some of that Smith money!
DW: Forget about it. He’s out of our league.
SP1: What if it really is genetic though?
DW: You mean what if it’s passed on from generation to generation?
SP1: Yeah. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
DW and SP1: Jaden!
SP2: Who?
DW: Jaden Smith. Will’s kid.
SP1: Maybe he’s got that Will Smith gold crapping thing and he’d be a helluva lot cheaper.
SP2: Wait. Does the muppet even act?
SP1: Sure, he played the brat in Pursuit of Happyness.
SP2: Hmmmm…I like it. We get a miniature, bargain-priced Will Smith in our movie and I can start affording a higher class of hooker.
SP1: But what do we put him in? What’s he good at?
DW: I read somewhere he’s into karate.
SP1: So what? The kids don’t care about karate anymore. It’s all about the skateboards and the extreme sports and whatnot.
SP2: Wait. Kids…karate… The Karate Kid!
SP1: Yeah! The one with Ralph Macchio and that Chinaman from Happy Days.
DW: He’s Japanese.
SP1: What?
DW: Pat Morita. The guy from Happy Days. He’s Japanese.
SP1: What’s the difference? All people remember is “wax on” and “wax off” and “paint the fence.”
SP2: Paint the fence! Throw in a love interest — one of those Disney brats — it’ll be bigger than Titanic! We’ll get kids, families, whites, blacks, old, young, boys, girls. Plus we’ll get all the people who grew up with the original who have kids of their own now…what is that, like nine quadrants? Ten?
SP1: Ooh! Ooh! We’ll send him to China! Imagine a smaller, less expensive Will Smith in China! The Chinamen will go apeshit! We’ll make money coming and going.
DW: Technically, karate is Japanese like Pat Morita…though it is based on Chinese kenpo…
SP1: What? No. Are you high? The Kenpo Kid doesn’t have the right ring to it. What are we paying you for? I want to remake The Karate Kid with Jaden Smith. Get me Will’s people on the phone. And order in some Chinese — I’m hungry all the sudden.
Source: Variety. (and yes, it’s supposed to start shooting in Beijing next year)
Filed under: Development, Humor, News
Tags: Karate Kid
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hahahaha
good stuff
Very funny indeed, and refreshing. LOL!
Oh. My. God.
Q: What was less expected than a Speilberg/Will Smith remake of Old Boy?
A: This.
Note to Studio Pinheads: The Kung Fu Kid would make more sense.
Ha! There may not be any originality among the studio pinhead and development weasel set, but creativity is alive and well here. Good stuff.
Ha ha ha. HAH.
The Studio Pinheads (and Weasels) strike again.
Inspired, Craigster - and most likely frighteningly real.
You should be writing for SNL, my darling. Hey, Conan O’Brien started out writing for THE SIMPSONS.
Could somebody get LORNE MICHAELS on the phone…?
A Studio Pinheads post! Just what I needed today. :-)
Ah…. these are kind of depressing if you think about them too hard, but somehow, they always cheer me up :-)
Trying to be creative once in a while gives me a whole new level of respect for people who do it every single day, but thank you all for enjoying.
lol, this one really had me going. I swear, you could devote your time only to Pinheads posts and never run out of material. This is the Age of Ridiculous Remakes.
It really has gone beyond annoying, through funny and now it’s just around the corner from bizarre.