Review: Terminator Salvation (2009) * 1/2
I guess they were out of cherry Slurpees
Hey. Want to be dry humped by McG for a couple of hours? Have I got the movie for you.
I remember walking out of The Terminator 25 years ago buzzing about how cool it was. I’d never seen a villain quite like the indestructible cyborg that looked a lot like Arnold Schwartzenegger. The action was gritty, violent, and dark (the tunnel chase!); the effects were inexpensive but convincing (Arnold’s face is half gone!); and the story was simple, but fresh and original. It was the perfect stuff for a genre picture. The big reveal where we find out that Kyle Reese is future hero John Connor’s father? It twisted my still forming 15-year-old mind.
Seven years later, Terminator 2: Judgement Day got by (as all later James Cameron pictures have) on action and ground-breaking special effects. In retrospect I hated the 7th grade level humor and making Arnold a cute good guy was a dumb idea, but the liquid metal T-1000 was one of the coolest things to hit a movie screen since Phoebe Cates took her bikini top off in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Granted, the effect was just an expansion of the sentient water in Cameron’s The Abyss, but it was still memorably awe inspiring.
What will people be saying about Terminator Salvation in 20 or 25 years? Absolutely nothing.
The disappointing truth is that the new film doesn’t have a single interesting character, idea, special effect or action sequence to help it rise above the level of a summer time filler. When the plot makes sense, it’s silly and full of holes. None of the characters distinguish themselves or provide any level of rooting interest. Of course no one goes to a summer action movie anymore for plot and characters, so all of the film’s technical failings would be instantly forgiven if the action was memorable or if there was something fresh we haven’t seen dozens of times before. It isn’t and there wasn’t.
It turns out this film doesn’t have one new idea in its head. The Terminator cycles are kind of nifty, but even they are reminiscent of last year’s Batcycle. There are some snakelike water born Terminators that are cool until you stop and realize there is absolutely no reason for Skynet to create snakelike water born Terminators (what are they terminating? Salmon?) beyond the fact that the screenwriters wanted an action sequence in the water.
And how about those action scenes? The most effective segment has some humans on the run from a giant T-Whatever. It’s cool, but it feels like it was lifted from Steven Spielberg’s infinitely more engaging War of the Worlds, right down to the sounds the giant machine makes. The rest of the bloodless PG-13 action is mostly incoherent and relies on bone-jarring sound effects to convince you that Terminator means business.
Because the action is so unremarkable and unimaginative, there is plenty of time in Terminator Salvation to stop and think about how weak the screenplay is. The talented cast is wasted on bland and formless characters who say ridiculous things like “The difference between us and them is we bury our dead.” What? So an archaic ritual rooted in superstition makes you better than the machines? That doesn’t even make sense.
Also, they’re called Terminators. They fly around in Hunter-Killers looking for humans so they can terminate them. So why do they round up Kyle Reese and take him prisoner when all they have to do is kill him and keep him from going back in the past to father John Connor? Because the whole last third of the movie demands a big John Connor-led rescue. They can’t kill Reese. They need to use him to bait a trap that will extend the movie another 30 minutes.
I know, it probably sounds like I’m over-thinking the movie and maybe I am, but had it delivered in action or effects or if it had simply brought a new idea to the action/sci-fi table, I would’ve cut it a lot more slack. Instead it was a poorly executed, instantly forgettable drudgery. A waste of an interesting cast, a waste of the ticket price and a waste of your time, Terminator Salvation feel’s less like the rebirth of a franchise than the last gasp of one.
Terminator Salvation. USA 2009. Directed by McG. Screenplay by John Brancato and Michael Ferris. Cinematography by Shane Hurlbut. Music score composed by Danny Elfman. Edited by Conrad Buff. Starring Christian Bale, Sam Worthington, Anton Yelchin, Moon Bloodgood, Bryce Dallas Howard, Common, Jane Alexander and Helena Bonham Carter. 1 hour 56 minutes. MPAA rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi violence and action, and language. 1.5 stars (out of 5)
Filed under: Reviews
Tags: Anton Yelchin, Bryce Dallas Howard, Christian Bale, Common, Conrad Buff, Danny Elfman, Helena Bonham Carter, Jane Alexander, John Brancato, McG, Michael Ferris, Moon Bloodgood, Sam Worthington, Shane Hurlbut, Terminator Salvation
I love Helena Bonham Carter, but I was never willing to sit through this movie for her.
Great review, Craig, as always.
I love HBC too and was surprised to see her in the opening credits only to be disappointed that she was wasted on a really bad character forced to recite awful dialogue.
How big is her role?
Very small. A little bit at the beginning and end.
Wow. Even worse than I expected.
Yeah, ditto. The trailer made it actually look like it might be solidly entertaining, much more so than the Wolverine trailer where they were obviously showing their biggest ‘cool’ shots and it was obvious the rest was a mishmash. So I guess my point was, good job WB marketers.
in fairness I have to point out I have a tendency to get these summer pictures wrong. I love the ones everyone hates (Speed Racer) and hate the ones everyone loves (Pirates of the Caribbean)….so as much as I’d like to save you 10 bucks on this piece of shit, you’d best take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Can we get a spoiler warning on the mention of Kyle Reese’s kidnapping?
Kidding.
I’m the same sort of curmudgeon when it comes to Summer fare, so I’m trusting your take on this one.
I’d rather sit through one of Jeff’s z grade exploitation flicks than a summer blockheader.
I try to keep an open mind about it. One never knows when a Dark Knight will come along
Yeah…I was totally bored. Such a bland, soulless, pointless movie.
Saw it last night in a “kinda had to” situation.
Depressingly, pathetically bad.
Also, let me be the first (I think) to laugh at the inclusion of the GNR song in this movie. Does that mean that T2 exists (as a movie) in this world?
Some will say that’s nitpicking, but its that kind of lazy contempt that makes most of these things so hard to watch.
Ahaha…they used the GNR song? Talk about absolute lack of inspiration.
I didn’t realize until after it was an homage to T2…which just makes it worse. Does ever goddamn movie have to wink at you now to show the filmmakers “get it”?
The more I think about this thing, the more surprised I am at just how bad it really is. Not so much that it’s bad, but that there’s so little good in it.
Even with a 34% rating at RT (with over 150 reviews counted), Spoutblog has a post noting that some critics loved this movie. I guess there’s a ray of hope after all, as slim as it may be.
I’m not posting this to be argumentative, just noting how shocking it is to see such unadulterated love when every where else I’m seeing such disappointment.
It wouldn’t be any fun if everybody agreed all the time. I think it’s all about expectations. If we all go in expecting a 34% movie, we won’t be nearly as disappointed.
I think I’m trying to psyche myself back up for this, knowing I’ll likely see it eventually, and hoping to offer a glimmer of hope to others. Regardless, no matter how bad a movie is in my (or your eyes), there will always be someone to love it dearly (other than the director’s mother).
Well, I somehow missed this review. I will alas be forced to see this, perhaps as early as today. But I’ll have to utilize the old ’sneak in multiplex’ option, as the Night at the Museum sequel appears to be desired as well. With seven tickets to purchase, I must say th eprospect of doubling that and bringing the total of ticketa dn refreshments costs to well over $120.00 is enought to ponder suicide. But all you say here seems dead-on–it will be forgotten, he doesn’t have an idea in its head, etc. It’s all so depressing. Ugh!
I don’t know, Jeff, I definitely went in expecting a 34% movie and that’s exactly what I got, if I’m being generous. It wasn’t worst than I expected, so I guess that’s a bonus. I actually didn’t even hate the first 45 minutes or so. Then I realized that this was not supposed to be a generic summer action flick but the continuation of a classic sci-fi franchise. After that it was all downhill.
I love this review, Craig, especially the first and last lines.
I wish I could say it was just disappointed expectations, but this movie was simply no good. I know there are critics and reviewers who liked it, but I didn’t find any worthwhile redeeming value.
It’s a bit misleading to compare it to the first two films since that’s stacking the deck against it, but A) if you’re going to be called the Terminator, you’d better bring your A game and B) this movie sucks even without direct comparison to the original.
FUCK U! the difference between me and u is we both saw this garbage and before u could search for anything good in it u decided to butcher it but i guess u went in the theatre expecting something EPIC its a terminator movie come the fuck on
Sunny, I especially like how you managed to make your point without using all those pesky “Ys” and “Os”
You’re a clever one.
I love the crossed logic of this comment. Sunny (LUV DAT ID, LULZ) admits the film is garbage and is yet annoyed you expected it to be EPIC because it’s just a “terminator” movie. Cause everyone knows those first two movies were so lame and boring and unpopular. And those trailers didn’t promise anything much at all.
Screw you and your reasonable expectations, Craig.
Craig is a schizophrenic who, simultaneously, went in to butcher the film in question and expect something epic from it.
Craig, what are we going to do with you?