Cheetah, the chimp who played Tarzan’s sidekick during the franchise’s 1932-1934 Johnny Weissmuller heyday, was shot to death in the alley behind a Miami brothel during a drug deal gone bad over the weekend.

Ok, that’s a complete lie. Well, he really did die, but there was no shooting and no drug deal. Actually, he was stabbed to death by an angry pimp.

No, no, that’s a lie too. Cheetah died at of kidney failure at a wild animal sanctuary in Palm Beach, Florida at an age estimated to be around 80 which is about double what a chimp is expected to live in captivity.

The Hollywood Reporter amusingly notes that, according to Maureen “Jane” O’Sullivan’s daughter Mia Farrow (via Twitter), O’Sullivan referred to the chimp who frequently bit her as “That Bastard.”

The LiC monkeys will be holding a candle-light poo throwing and public masturbation on Hollywood Boulevard later this evening.

via: THR

Update: Yeah, the whole story is probably a fraud. Maybe. Sort of.

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